myramoxiaomai from URL @ 02:47
i don kno. for now all i can say is I DON KNO. i don kno why, i don how, i don kno why i did this or why i did that. i really don kno.
why do i feel so uneasy, full of worries? why don i like to go to work anymore? why why why why? why do i feel like dying, again? and this time it isnt because of anyone, but because .... i really couldn find the real meaning of my life...
i haven been blogging eversince my last entry. usually one week is the max. duration but this time, im surprised myself. for a damn good two weeks, i didn blog. sometimes i wonder why, when blogging comes at the top of my "to-do" list every single day. ha.
recently, many things hav happened. don kno where to start. im confused myself. it's like now, i could only see the blurry image of my life. messy too. ok now im seeing zillions of tadpoles swimming around, here, there, everywhere. i mean, not literally. and, i begin reflecting bac. as far bac as when i was a young child. how i hav big dreams to be a teacher. how i aspire to be an actress too, or a VJ, somewhere along those lines. and as i grew up, i saw myself having high expectations of everything. be a leader, be smart, take charge. that was me. the young energetic me.
now, i hav no one to blame, (i shouldn) but ive seen the worst side of me. and the best part of it is, im currently at my worst state of mind, at the lowest peak of my (life?). i feel like im fucking useless. a good-for-nothing really. i jus wanna enjoy life. work? i jus don seem to care. i jus do what i can, and it was all half-heartedly. wtf do i wan? i don even care about my family. i don spend time with my fam anymore. im always hardly home. it seems like my nightlife is the main priority now. my frens too. what are my dreams now? how do i wan my life to turn out? ive never thought about all that anymore. im no more motivated, im jus a bum. yea a lazy bum. sometimes, i wish i could hav that energy i used to hav in me when i was in sunshine empire bac then. now, i don kno. i don wanna think about it no more. im jus ..... ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!
tired may seem the correct word, but i realize, it's not jus that. and this month, ive been spending alot. really alot. i can say i spent approximately 1500bucs on nothing. really nothing. im fucked big time now. ive learnt my lesson now. but i don kno when i can totally totally change this attitude of mine.
but let's jus look at the bright side of my life now. one person has been conveying me the msg that, im not alone in this world. she has made me believe in what you can call, Girl Power :) (sound so powerpuff!) and shes none other than my loyal deer! haha!
ZHOUHUI. thanx a million. youre one fren i can truly truly be myself when im with you. i mean like, i can even show you my nipple lahh! (ok im jus saying)
look at the tons of shit we were doing!
this was at Tully's. me acting shocked. and me tryna sniff all the smoke through my nose.
this was at coffee bean
and now to my gf. yes these few weeks, how many times hav we had errr friction? for how long hav we not seen each other, went out tgt? it felt like a million years. and it's true, i cant imagine if i were to lose you. gf, im sorry for whatever that ive done to hurt you. sorry. i promise there wont be a nex time. love you!!
sadly, these are the only pics of us tgt. wow. that goes to tell us sth gf! rem our 8th month. make sure its real big!
oh and one more thing. you'll be happy with him ok. don always think too much. be more confident, hav more faith. you guys will work out :)
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ive met alot of bastards in this world. i kno there's more. but how many more? nevertheless, im ready. bring it on!
everything that happened that day was unplanned. wenta zh's house, to help gf take pics of herself (for good reasons :]) and then, highlighted my hair fury blonde (not the colour i wanted initially) at, ermmmm this salon which zh recommended. fortunately or unfortunately, couldn dye my hair ash, cus the hairdresser was saying, i had my hair dyed black before. fuck lahh i only used henna to blacken my hair ehh. so i told myself, nvm, cus that would mean that i've had lesser chances of getting sacked from my full time job! HAHA! so ya, didn plan to colour hair luhh.
at the salon, surprisingly all the hairdressers are guys leii. one caught my attention. cus he's different from the rest. very cool, laidback and not flirtatious like the rest. and, his tattoo looks nice :)
another unplanned thing, i suddenly had the urge to club. acty all along i had the urge but i controlled and told gf, no i wont club. who knos? after our hairdo, we made a very firm decision to CLUB!! FUCK US LAHH always succumb to temptations cb.
BEFORE HAIRDO, WITH ZH:)
AFTER HAIRDO, ME, GF AND ZH :)
NOW AT REBEL, ME AND GF HAD A GREAT TIME TGT :)
AND UNEXPECTEDLY MET MELLY THERE! ;P
AND UNEXPECTEDLY AGAIN, MET A SEC SCHOOLMATE, OR SHOULD I SAY, MORE OF ACQUAINTANCE? YUPP. UNEXPECTEDLY AGAIN, GF KNOS HIM TOO AS THEY BOTH ARE STUDYING IN THE SAME ITE O.O
AND ERMMMM, UNEXPECTEDLY, THIS RED GUY HERE IS 21 YEARS OLD! AHAHAHAHA!
hmmm ive been thinking it through. i kno i always giv others the impression that im a very "loud" kinda person. not conservative much, but, nor am i over the edge ehh. when i was at the hair salon, the hairdressers were asking me what i work as, and when i replied "childcare teacher", they laughed leii! and even said, "if you teacher i principal ahh!" but i am a teacher ahh knn. and they said i don look like one at all. good thing or not? and all along they were speaking to me in mandarin, cus they thought i was cina lahh. anddddd, to add on to that, ivan and dick thought i was cina too. and kept telling me to stop bluffing, and asked if i was "rojak-ed" or not ... and bla bla. no ehh. pure malay lehh! and, ivan even mentioned i fucking don look like a childcare teacher at all. soooo, what now? good or bad? to be looking like someone who's looks doesn suit his profession? to be mistaken by others? or to be misjudged? but, im really afraid i might get sacked one day!
AHHH CHOY CHOY! ;D
ULTIMATELY, I AM WHOEVER AND WHATEVER I AM. IM LOUD AND I DON FUCKING CARE HOW MY CHILDREN OR THEIR PARENTS, OR OTHER TEACHERS, OR MY BOSSES, OR MY RELATIVES ARE GONNA LOOK AT ME, BUT THIS IS FUCKING ME AND MY FUCKING LIFE.
AND, I MAY LOOK LIKE ONE CINA, BUT IM STILL MYRA, THE VERY CUTE UNIQUE MALAY GIRL. AND IM PROUD TO BE OF THIS RACE AND ALSO, DIFFERENT FROM THE TYPICALS. (VERY BHB SIAL. BUAY TAHAN!)
today is 090909. the day ive been waiting for, but nobody knos why. not even me. but i find this date special, and i expect something would happen to me. something that would make me happy, that would make me be in cloud 9 (number 9 again! fav number heh) that would make me jump over the moon. but, i don fucking kno what i want lahhh. *shrugs*
so, if nothing special happens, then nex would be 20.09.2009! :)
diva lash was a mistake, with you was a mistake, spending too much was a gravely mistake, procrastinate was a huge habitual mistake. everything seems in a huge pile of mess now!
sunday, me and zh set off to get our Etude makeup. fuck lah. everything all take ah! powder, concealer, eye cream, blusher, eyeliner, eye primer, eye shadow, lip gloss, makeup remover, etc etc. it was a lucky thing im the type who don put on mascara and don draw my eyebrow at all!
so i don hafta spend more for those. a total of 209plus plus bucs after 7 percent discount for each item! thanx zh! and ive got free gifts worth 200bucs too! 2 packs of BB mineral cream to giv your face the glowing effect, and a cat!! hahaha! see below, the cute cat.
this cute cat has got a Record and Play button on both its paws. so, i recorded "gf, i love you" and let her listen. she kept on playing so many times! hahahaha!
it felt so short a time when you were all geared up to shop ehh? both me and zh went to iluma to get Final D movie tics for me and gf. reached the counter, i TOTALLY forgotten what movie tics i wanted to buy leii! i was like, "2 tics for ... ehh what ah? ehh pls hold on." so i cracked my brain hard and even asked zh, "ehh what movie am i gonna watch ah?" she jus shrugged as she was busy on the phone. i laughed and looked around, hoping to get some clues.
PIANGX!! the lady at the counter looked pissed lei. wtf lahhh im on my way to become senile liao knn.
Final D was okayy. all the gruesome part was shiokk. haha. but the ending sux. feel like watching Orphan and Where Got Ghost ehh. though i hav the feeling that the latter is gonna be damn lame. but still. haha. shall i watch today? both shows? :)
yesterday was fun fun but .... i couldn get to karaoke leii. went to Orchid Country Club for teachers' day celebration. the food was quite good. but when i thought of going up to the stage to choose my song, it was time for games la, awards la what la. then aiya forget it. haha! hmmm. this is my firs time celebrating teachers' day as a teacher and getting all the love from the kids. i feel so loved by them :) yesterday morn when i jus arrived at the centre, i saw one of my boys' parents who acty waited for me at the window jus to giv me present! sweet not. veryyyyy lahhh. both parents leii. being with the children for only 7 months, i don expect to get too many presents lahhh.
THE GIFTS AND THEIR LOVE :)
coincidentally or not, most of them gave me things that i really like, for example, a PURPLE pencil bag! hahahaha! and tiramisu white choc!! ha.
WITH SOME OF THE FELLOW COLLEAGUES :)
what was closest to my heart on this special day was, how the children were really really sweet to me. even for those i least expected to give me anyth, they did. even those i was harsh to, they gave me something. some wanted me to open their presents in front of them. some, apologised to me. APOLOGISE EHH!! Zul said "teacher myra, sorry." i was like why? "mummy say nv bring anyth for you" with his pouting lips. i was like awwwwwww and hugged him. and told him i don wan anything. sweet ehh? :)
bac on msn, frens from everywhere hav been telling me about birthday parties, birthday dinner, birthday surprise and this and that. mannnnnn. im feeling it! im booked to organize and help out with 3 birthdays, and i hafta plan a birthday bash for ehemm. :) like soon!!! and im invited for birthday dinners and parties coming sept, oct, nov and dec ehh! EXXXXXXXCIIIIITING MUCH! :):):)
