Monday, December 15, 2008
myramoxiaomai from URL @ 18:08
[[MONDAY, 15DEC08]]
REFLECTIONS OVERLOAD!
for the 19 odd years i hav lived with my father,
it's a pity that ive only come to realize his love for us,
his children.
he sacrifices his own bedroom and sleeps on the couch outside everyday.
he always has little time to rest even during his off days jus to fetch us to work cus we are always running late.
he's sad to see us, his daughters working. especially for some of us who are still studying.
all this while he chooses to remain quiet, despite knowing what we hav been up to,
each and everyone of us, his children. yes.
he chooses to still grant us the freedom we want, cus he trusts us. alot.
he prays for us everyday.
what more can i ask for? today's conversation with him has made me realize that im not a good daughter. not good. indeed, i shouldn be doing all those things behind his bac. you may think, yes, it's only enjoying whatt. it's your hobby, it's what you would do during your leisure time. clubbing etc.
i don knowwww. i jus feel bad doing all that behind his bac.
but i still do it. to me, clubbing is one thing that would make me truly happy.
but how? i cant tell my father, "i wanna go clubbing tonight, can i?"
he wouldn allow for sure. ive been doing that behind his bac.
he once told me,
"as long as you know how to control yourself, as long as you know how to count 1, 2, 3, how to differentiate from whats good and bad, as long as you don tarnish your parents' name, as long as you don breach my trust. then im fine with whatever youre doing"
hav i been bad?
clubbing, drinking, smoking, despite knowing my father wont like it if he knows about me being like this.
am i being a bad girl?
im not living up to my father's expectations.
i don wanna make him worried for me.
i don wanna tarnish his name.
i jus wanna make him proud to hav me as his daughter.
looking at him, feeling so disappointed with my second sis,
and saying to me, "i give up already, mai"
im jus so afraid.
what if he knows about me?
it would surely be painful for him to bear.
too painful.
but ive made up my mind.
clubbing is something i cant let go too easily.
mebbe with alil' more discipline, i should be able to control my desire,
desire of clubbing, and drinking especially,
which is obviously against my religion.
slowly, gradually, i will be able to stop this habit.
i wanna be a good Muslim. :)
abah,
please don worry about me.
let me bear all these myself.
let me face the consequences for all my wrongdoings.
give me some time.
i will change. i will. i will.
where there's a will, there's a way.
i will stop drinking.
i will learn to party without drinking. :):)
but patronizing clubs and smoking? =S
UH-UH *shakes head*
emoness aside,
ive confirmed my full-time career already!
childcare English teacher! im grateful for the pay, really:)
i shant ask for more right now.
counting on my performance and commitment if i want a pay raise!
yeah baby! commencing work on the 20th of february.
let's hope i hav a blast for my birthday firs,
then i can start on my career peacefully :) (no link?!)
im still into speech and drama though.
looking for opportunities!
oh yes. saturdays teaching primary 2 students in Clem Town Sec :)
good money kay!
i hav big plans!
big plans!
*apartment with dearest! yes she's VERA!
*hongkong with dearest too!
*more ear piercings with burpy and haggy!
*educational trip on 24march with honeyy and pinky!
*taiwan with alinaaa!
*birthday surprises for beloved ones coming end of dec and jan :):)
*own birthday party? heh:)
alright! here's something to cheer up my already cheery days!
RYAN WEARING MY MOTHER'S HEADSCARF! THE CHEEKY BROTHERS!
2ND SIS. STOP DREAMING CAN? =P
 HER AGAIN! MODELLING FOR SAREEEEE!
  anddddd BOO!
HER SON! SCARED NOT SCARED NOT! NO? AHA!
 RIGHTTTTTTTT. 2 MORE DAYS TO WEDNESDAY! PHUTURE, BABES. SORRY ABAH :(
AND 2 HOURS OF LITTLE NYONYA REAL SOON!! WOOHOOO!
WHAT MORE CAN I ASK FOR? IM CONTENTED :):):) |
