Saturday, July 12, 2008
myramoxiaomai from URL @ 17:25
bac about two days ago, went to hav lunch with honeyy. she told me what was bothering her, and i poured my stuff to her. glad we both felt better. =))
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today was half a disaster.
sat in library. 20mins later, announcement. "library will be closed in half an hour's time". fuck. moved to atrium. mann. bo aircon. never mind. sat down, on lappy, saw dan and ivan right in front of me. fuck. felt like moving away ehh. so had to get up again and went over to underpass. cool. found one dark, secluded spot, stuffed my ear with blasting music, and finally got down to work. soon after, eric called. said he was bored. asked if we had any plans with fcukers today. asked me to call the rest. i felt like, yes i wanna meet you guys. so i said ok to him and that i would get bac to him asap. but after i hung up, i thought, nahh. my gut feeling said no. you cant meet them. you jus cant. sorry eric. why not you call them yourself?
then now wondering to myself. whats with all this crap? moving around, being alone? i don know ehh. i jus wanna be alone, not wanting to see anyone i know of, or anyone who knows me. i jus wanna be really really alone, and get stuff done and over with.
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i guess ibu is really testing me, mebbe she did all that on purpose. nowadays she would always pick on me. why me? you hav so many daughters. why me? why. whats with you these days? mebbe youre too stressed. mebbe youve reached that limit. im sorry ibu. i know youre getting old. as much as i wanna assist you, ive gotta help myself firs. im left with no choice. if i cant help myself, how can i help others? i seriously cant even manage myself. you wouldn know how heartbreaking it was, those words that came out from your mouth directed towards me. you wouldn know how hard im coping with myself and my life right now. how i suffered the past nights alone, crying. crying for you, crying for God, crying for the sake of crying. i know in your eyes, i only care about my own things, my own self commitments, and that im lazy, im of no help, im this im that. it hurts so bad, ibu. it hurts. but i understand. i do understand why you did all those. and i kept them all in my heart. i really don wish to argue with you or trash things out with you. mebbe thats whyy im always crying nowadays? mebbe thats whyy im not in a good mood nowadays? it's all a test. jus a test.
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